Somewhere to go
by Misila
Summary: Rin realizes now he should have quit swimming the day he lost to Haruka. He isn't good enough, anyway. But swimming has been there for his whole life. Without it, Rin has nowhere to go.


_Free!_ doesn't belong to me. Neither does _High Speed!_

* * *

 _ **Somewhere to go**_

.

" _I'm done swimming!_ "

For wanting to leave the building as fast as possible, his steps are slower than usually.

 _It's over._

But he's so tired of walking, of pushing against a wall with all his strength for nothing.

 _I quit._

His feet only keep moving out of habit. He's pretty sure that when he finally stops, Newton's first law will keep him still forever.

 _I don't want to keep doing it._

Well– that's not true. Of course Rin wants to keep swimming; of course he wants to fulfil his father's dream, to make him proud. Rin wishes he could make the man's sacrifices worth something, so at least he feels, wherever he is, that giving up the path he so desperately wanted to walk upon wasn't completely pointless.

But Rin can't do that. He never could, to begin with, and the exhaustion clinging to his body from trying for so long isn't just physical.

He _really_ should have quit swimming that winter, when he lost to Haruka.

Rin doesn't have it in him to care about Nitori. He can't care about anything at this point, and keeps ignoring him as he takes off his swimsuit and puts on his clothes. He knows he won't be able to keep his voice even if he talks, so he closes his mouth and bites his tongue to not say anything.

Rin has never noticed how much his feet weigh. Maybe he sensed something, but he assumed it had something to do with the fact that he was growing up. But he hasn't grown up in the last months; actually, his clothes are too loose for him lately. Yet gravity drags him down as if it didn't want him to move anymore.

It's the same than that pathetic parody of a race. At least now he can't drown.

That's... good, Rin supposes.

Nitori stops following him as Rin crosses the hall. But the relief from not having to keep acting as if he couldn't hear him is so weak that it just takes for Rin to step out of the building to make it vanish. He looks around, for once not minding the curious glances people outside give him, and realizes he has nowhere to go.

Rin swallows down as the realization hits him, trying to keep his breathing steady even though he feels like there isn't any oxygen left for him in the air.

His whole life has been about swimming. Even his first memories, those where his father is still alive, revolve around water, around endless days on the beach. But now Rin doesn't even want to be close to any body of water. Now it isn't a childish scream of frustration. Rin _can't_ see water without remembering the utter failure he is. He doesn't know where to go. He doesn't know what to do.

It's funny how, despite his feet weighing so much, his legs feel wobbly, and Rin acts by reflex when the few parts of his brain that haven't shut down yet register he's falling forward. His right foot hits the ground centimetres ahead of the other, and then he's walking again, hoping the sound of his steps helps him stop thinking.

He barely can hear his feet hit the ground, though. He can't hear people talking around him, either, and Rin finds himself cornered by his thoughts again and about to cry. He doesn't know where he's going, not that he could get somewhere even if he knew how to. He's already proven that.

Rin shakes his head when Haruka comes to his mind, biting his lower lip. He doesn't want to think about him; doesn't want to think about how he's somewhere within the building he just left, about to swim a relay with his friends, _without him_. Rin doesn't want to think about everything Haruka has and he doesn't because his heart already hurts enough without adding the jealousy burning it from inside.

He looks around again. There are fewer people in this part of the city, so he forces himself to walk faster until there's no one to see him.

Being alone makes Rin feel just a little bit better. He rubs his eyes, never stopping walking, and is honestly surprised when he doesn't feel his cheeks wet. The way an invisible hand squeezes his organs is painful enough to shed a few tears, but he isn't crying.

Rin can't remember the last time he cried.

A tree on a tiny park catches his attention. At first, Rin doesn't know why it's special, but it's something to distract himself from the feeling of dying inside, so he stumbles towards it, until he's under its shadow. Rin drops one bag, the one where he has his clothes. The other bag, the one he was given when he joined the swim club, is still hanging from his shoulder, though it almost falls when Rin realizes what's different about the tree.

It reminds him of the cherry blossom tree in Haruka's school. When Rin was there, it didn't have any leaves, but the resemblance is noticeable.

How fitting, he thinks, remembering the day he told Haruka and the others about his plans; it all ends now, under another tree, with empty air where his friends used to be and a dark road instead of the brilliant path he dreamt of.

Rin doesn't want to walk on it. He just wants to crumble until someone stronger than him gets him on his feet again.

Not that anyone would do it. He made sure of that when he pushed everyone away, so Rin wishes for a way to stop hurting instead.

He's so, _so_ tired.

It takes some seconds for Rin to acknowledge the sounds approaching as steps. He looks towards the source of the sound, only to find a pair of eyes staring at him under thick black hair.

Rin feels the blood running away from his face.

 _Not him_ , he pleads. Not the last person he wants to see right now. Not the person Rin has admired for years, not after what just happened.

But he's still there, so Rin grits his teeth.

"Haru."

Haruka says nothing. It looks like he's been running, because he's trying to regain his breath.

Rin couldn't care less.

"Why are you here? Come to laugh at my pathetic loss?" he barks out, because he doesn't understand how Haruka managed to find him when he doesn't even know where he is and because he wants Haruka to leave him alone with his misery.

"Rin…"

That must be it, then. Rin wants to run, to get away, but the only way out of the park is blocked by Haruka.

"You saw what happened in the free. And I was taken out of the relay. The world is laughing at me." Rin barely realizes his arms are moving; he just hopes it conceals the way he's shaking. His voice is rising, but, like many other things, he beyond the point of caring. "So join in! No need to pity me."

But Haruka doesn't move, and that's what angers Rin the most. If he wants to insult him, he should do it quickly and leave, not stay there, looking at him with that expression whose meaning Rin doesn't even know but hurts anyway.

"I told you to laugh! That's all I'm good for, anyway. I'm not even good enough to race you guys in a relay!"

"Calm down, Rin!"

Apparently Haruka doesn't realize has _no right_ to tell him anything, not when he has his friends and his stupid talent and everything Rin yearns for.

"Shut up!" He's yelling now. "What would you know?!"

"I know! How fun is to swim with friends… How good it feels to swim in a relay together… You were the one who taught me that, Rin!" Haruka insists. "You're the reason I…"

It's the last straw. Rin drops his bag and runs to Haruka, grabbing the collar of his sweatshirt.

"Shut up!"

But when has Haruka actually listened to him? He grabs Rin's wrists and Rin wants him to stop touching his skin because it burns.

"I understand now!" Now Haruka is yelling too. Or at least, it's the loudest Rin has ever heard him speak. "I found the answer! Why it is I swim! Who I'm swimming for!"

"I told you to _shut up_!"

And Rin has never been _this_ close to want to hurt Haruka. He has everything Rin is too worthless to get, and instead of enjoying it or laugh at him he just keeps saying nonsense when Rin doesn't want to know a thing about it. Why can't he understand?

And despite that, when Rin throws a punch towards him he feels like apologizing even though Haruka grabs his arm without hesitation. He stumbles back, though, and Rin falls on top of him, his fingers still closed around the collar of his sweatshirt. He shakes Haruka, not to harm him, just to stop him from talking, growling when Haruka makes them both roll onto the ground, obviously trying to get on top. He doesn't last much, though.

At this point Rin isn't sure if he wants to take advantage of their positions to get up and run as far as he can from Haruka or cover his mouth with his hand, but before he can decide something else catches his attention.

He's barely aware that Haruka lets go of his wrists at last. He doesn't realize, because under that tree he can see three words written on the sand. The three words he'd never expected to find in a place like this.

 _For the Team_

"This tree looks like the cherry blossom tree that was in the school yard." Haruka points out, his voice soft, barely a whisper. "Isn't that why you were here?"

Rin's grip on Haruka's collar weakens as he realizes what he's been trying to tell him. He can understand now how Haruka found him. And maybe a bit of everything he just said.

It's just too strange for Rin to accept it like that.

A tear falls on Haruka's cheek, washing the dirt from their scuffle on its way until it disappears below his ear.

Rin doesn't realize he's crying until Haruka's face gets blurry under him. He doesn't try to conceal the way his hands tremble when their grip on Haruka's sweatshirt weakens.

 _Why now?_

"Why?" he sobs. "Why isn't it 'free'?" Rin barely understands his own words. "I want to swim with you guys. I want to swim in a relay with you guys." Rin feels heavy again, but now it's a different kind of exhaustion. He's been keeping those words to himself for so long they were poisoning him. Not that it matters now. "But it's too late now."

Haruka sits up a bit. As much as he can with Rin straddling him, anyway.

"No, it's not too late." His voice is serious, not as soft as before, but determined. "Let's go, Rin."

Rin wants to tell him that regardless of his good intentions there's nothing he can do to fix his poor performance, but he hears steps approaching.

"Oh, there they are." Rin looks at Makoto; Nagisa and Ryugazaki are with him, and they all smile.

"Rin-chan!"

Rin stands up. He doesn't understand. It's far more than he deserves. Why are they going out of their way?

"You guys…"

"Honestly…" Ryugazaki adjustes his glasses. "Watching you irritates me so much. If you want to swim, go ahead!"

"Rin, come." Rin turns around, towards the sound of Haruka's voice. He's standing too, his arm stretched out towards him. He's brilliant, majestic, everything Rin is not. But he is looking at him, he came here _for him_ , and Rin briefly forgets how to breathe and feels twelve again. "It's my turn to show you a sight you've never seen before."

And Rin is way too hurt to heal with just some words, but it's a start. Haruka is there and is giving him somewhere to go.


End file.
